Beautiful Messes

 I have many mom friends and acquaintances that I would describe as beautiful messes.  In no way does this imply that I am bashing them…hear me out.

My friend Katie recently posted on Facebook about how she sometimes felt discouraged by people saying “How do you do it all?”  I got the feeling that they were complimenting her, but it reminds me of when people tell me “You have your hands full.”  It isn’t always meant as a bash, more like a twisted way of saying “WOW, you go girl.”  I look at Katie’s life through Facebook and in no way does she say that she is perfect and handles life like a pro.  She is a working mom with three kids, with a husband who travels a lot and yet still manages to enjoy life and smile.   I see a lot of myself in her.  Some nights she throws the towel in and takes her kids for a Happy Meal…no perfect square dinner for her kids with pressure to eat their veggies.  She goes the extra effort to take them out in their community, to get them involved with tasks at home and to make sure they know how much she loves them.   What I like most about her though, is her genuine, energetic love for her children even when waiving her white surrender flag after a terrible, no good, very bad day.  She encourages me to do my mommy thing knowing that it won’t be perfect.  Thank you Katie!

I try to have a lot of perspective and I think that has increased since I have become a mom.  However, I see a lot of social media, advertisements, trending pediatrics etc. setting us moms up for failure…having to make time and afford to do kindermusic, jungle java, Suzuki violin, mandarian lessons, cloth diapering, homemade baby food, constant baby wearing and the list goes on.  Those are some very high limbo bars to set for us to be able to dance our way under.  I don’t expect to be perfect, in fact most days I just aim for a shower, three meals for my kids and some color outside of the line artwork with Hallie.  I used to be a perfectionist, especially with my former job as a teacher, but in no way do I strive for that now.  What kind of example would I be setting for Hallie and Hayes if all I wanted were to be perfect?  Perfection comes in all shapes and sizes and wouldn’t it be great to have a teachable moment with your kids to appreciate it here and there as to not come to expect it?  That is what I want to teach them just as I think my friend Katie does.  Just as I think a lot of my friends and acquaintances do.

So, for some fun, I have gone back to my Facebook feed and found the first 5 people who have popped up and I am going to write why I think they are beautiful messes below:

Lindsay Brewster:  You are a beautiful mess because you are the ultimate risk taker and journey maker.  I envy your courageousness and your honesty with house hunting in Hong Kong!

Kat Foley Edmonds:  You are a beautiful mess because you just had a baby and are coaching high school tennis and managing your own photography business.  I wish I could say I like your choices in college athletic teams, but that is a discussion over a beer or twenty. 

Erin Walther Slagle:  You are a Beautiful Mess because you had a witty response to the Southwest Agent.  What mom can think on their toes traveling with a baby like that?!!!  You go girl!

Jul E Fried:  You are a Beautiful Mess because you have adopted two dogs and I’m assuming have found many more and even driven some to their new homes while going to school and working.

Gaylee Tibbetts Mendenhall:  You are a Beautiful Mess because you survived Breast Cancer and then wrote a book about it while teaching very energetic second graders while having chemo!

So I challenge you fabulous women to find five women who are a Beautiful Mess in life.  Who are not perfect and own that fact.  Who are giving and kind.  Go!

I'll order the Boundaries with a side of serious.

***I wish I could write this with no filter, real names and legit examples, but I can’t.  I do try to write with humor, honesty and class, but I will not use spite to get my thoughts across.  I did use my parents in a situation only because we have a very open and honest relationship where we CAN talk about anything and that is why I could include them in an example without possibly hurting their feelings.

Kids (babies) are game changers in every way.  I once had a counselor actually tell me that while Hallie was sitting in her car seat at 2 weeks old in the psychologist’s office. (long story)  Ryan and I knew that having children would drastically change our lives for the good and the bad.  We were ready to embrace it and do the best we could while still trying to keep some elements of “us” intact.  What we forgot was how the rest of the world and people in it would feel free to say and do whatever they wanted with us, and our children.  Enter…boundaries!!!!!!!! 

What I wasn’t aware of (I wont speak for Ryan) is how much having children affected my other relationships…family, friends, coworkers and strangers.  The expectations we place on ourselves and those around us can drastically shift and be rearranged in the priority world.  Your nuclear family becomes priority #1 and nothing comes in the way of that.  Nothing.  Enter….more tough boundaries with those we love the most!!!!!!!

Boundary 1: Family Foe’s and “Frenemies”

Ryan and I make an awesome team.  It sounds cheesy but I assure you that it has helped in some truly dark times.  We make sure we are on the same page for most things or at least acknowledge agreeing to disagree.  In all matters of the kids and family though, we do what is best for their safety and wellness at all times.  This is especially true with protecting them from certain individuals we know are not good influences or could be potentially toxic.  Many people highly disagree with our decisions with this and can not understand why we have set these boundaries, but last time I checked…these were are children and we really do know them and what is best for them for now.   That is one thing Ryan and I are most similar in…our principles and when it comes to being consistent with our boundaries, we do not string people along or give them any way to reinterpret our meaning.  When we say no, we mean it.  It has led to some great disappointment, unfair treatment and isolation, but to me, such sacrifice has been necessary to prevent damage to Hallie and Hayes’ well-being. 

Situation 2:  Emotional Empowerment

 I have always been a selfless giver of my emotions.  I typically wear my heart on my sleeve and very rarely hide how I am feeling.  (There is one major exception to this.)  Having children has most certainly elevated my “emotional placement” where I have no time to dilly dally with letting people know how I feel.  The only thing different is maybe how I unload, communicate or acknowledge how I am feeling to others because I need to really practice being a good role model to my children.  Even with my parents, I just let them know when I get tired of them trying to tell me how I should do things or that I am upset with them (sorry guys).  With Ryan I try to hold back the blubbering so I can effectively just get to the point…if I expect more from him, I tell him.  Letting it all be a slow boil leads to dangerous safety hazards…emotionally that is.  It has been healthy learning to rework my communicating of emotions and I have found that I am disappointed a lot less by people’s actions or inactions.  I also have so many repeat offenders in my life that I can pretty much anticipate their behaviors and actions before the scenario plays out.   Sad but true. 

Situation 3:  Disappointing Dame

I wish I could be a better sister and friend.  At times I wish that I could go back to just being a wife and not a mom and focus on every,single.little.word. Ryan says at dinner instead of listening while feeding Hayes, trying to eat myself while playing food defense against Hallie as she catapults chopped chicken my way.  We are thankful for the “crazy town” we have at the house and wouldn’t go back, just so we are clear!!!!!  Time is a luxury and it is most certainly not on my side to go and  see my sister more, to run off and do more girl weekends with friends and to nourish these important relationships in my life.  Ryan gets me at my best and worst…and a lot of in between and somehow manages to keep me around!  Having kids and having outside relationships has given me a lot of perspective when these important people’s lives were in the same boat and they weren’t able to do the same with me.  I totally get it now and am much more empathetic. 

Boundaries are necessary in all relationships.  They require revisiting and restructuring as the relationship can change, grow, or deteriorate.  When you go to have children, that is a true time to reflect on your current relationships you have and how they will influence and impact your nuclear family.  If there is one thing I have learned though, communicate your reasoning for having the boundaries in place and continue to reinforce this so there are no misguided feelings or opportunities for people to find loopholes to manipulate their way through. 

Catching up with Colic: A 6-month update

Hayes will be 6 months next week…and what a rollercoaster it has been.  I always say in my blogs, that there are many other hardships that our family could encounter, but at the time…this was very difficult.

I was reflecting back on my blog post about colic and how it was one of the driving forces for me to write again.  It was and still is a topic I feel very strongly about in parenting and how more information and support needs to be given to parents…especially new ones. 

You see a lot of crazy things on the news, but the worst ones, the hardest to swallow, are the injustices done to infants or small children.  You ask yourself  “How could anyone do that to a baby or child?”  People are quick to judge (most of the time the person was just cruel and evil) and don’t know the whole back-story or are not empathetic to the situation.  I do not in any way condone wrongdoings to babies or children, but my eyes are much more open to reasons why things are done.  Lack of sleep, screaming and non-stop crying, lack of a support system, single-parenting, traumatic labor and delivery…the list goes on.

  I still say if you can’t joke about things, then you are never going to get through the hard stuff.  Ryan and I officially lost our minds when Hayes was around 6 weeks old.  His screaming wouldn’t let up, he was never happy and we were beyond tired.  We ran to the Dr. on a Saturday morning half-joking about thoughts we were thinking, but would NEVER do.  Our Dr. said “It is good to make humor in a dark time, because this stuff is awful.”  She also mentioned that we were educated people who had coping skills…that was the best thing she could say and I have continued to tell my friends and family this.  Ryan and I know we would never do anything to harm our kids because we were smart enough to know the difference between thinking of it in desperation of feeling terrible (completely sleep deprived and overly frustrated) versus acting on it in impulse because we didn’t know better.  I did lots of reading on Purple Crying as they call it, which is a resource for parents coping with colicky children and strongly recommend their website.  Since there is no known cause or cure for Colic…all you can do is hope that it gets better and try to survive.

This is exactly what Ryan and I did.  Any little thing that Hayes did in a positive manner…I celebrated like it was the fourth of July.  We continued to take turns holding or interacting with him to give each other a break from the bad times.  We got some reprieve when he started daycare…even they saw his “~isms” and how they could make your heart rate pick up a notch.  We have finally gotten some peace with him and mass amounts of time in sheer joy.  Hayes will smile, laugh (giggle) and even babble.  He loves to be tickled, to roll all over the floor or to get hugs and kisses by Hallie.  She can also finally enjoy his new personality and how he looks to her with curious eyes.  I feel that we are in a far better place then we were even two months ago.  He sleeps through the better part of the night.  He is still a terrible daytime napper, but we are working on it.  I find myself wanting to just hold him out of want because now I know how fast time will fly by and he will be non-stop energy.

I will be honest, and this sounds terrible, but during those first few months, I had a really hard time liking him.  I LOVED him, but liking him on a daily basis was just plane difficult.  He was an innocent to that, I was exhausted…but things are on the up and I am so thankful that Ryan and I could get through it together with lots of patience and prayer. 

For those of you pregnant or new parents and you think that your child may be colicky, get to a Dr. just to get some peace of mind, read up about Purple Crying and do know that it will pass eventually.  You will feel rage, frustration and total exhaustion…but there will come a time when you can enjoy all the love that this child emits.

This was Hayes just moments after being born.  You can so obviously see his dislike for what is going on.  We got the pleasure of living with his distaste for the outside world for the past 6 months.

This is Hayes now.  Don't you just want to squeeze, hug and love him?