***I wish I could write this with no filter, real names and
legit examples, but I can’t. I do
try to write with humor, honesty and class, but I will not use spite to get my
thoughts across. I did use my
parents in a situation only because we have a very open and honest relationship
where we CAN talk about anything and that is why I could include them in an
example without possibly hurting their feelings.
Kids (babies) are game changers in every way. I once had a counselor actually tell me
that while Hallie was sitting in her car seat at 2 weeks old in the
psychologist’s office. (long story)
Ryan and I knew that having children would drastically change our lives
for the good and the bad. We were
ready to embrace it and do the best we could while still trying to keep some
elements of “us” intact. What we
forgot was how the rest of the world and people in it would feel free to say
and do whatever they wanted with us, and our children. Enter…boundaries!!!!!!!!
What I wasn’t aware of (I wont speak for Ryan) is how much
having children affected my other relationships…family, friends, coworkers and
strangers. The expectations we
place on ourselves and those around us can drastically shift and be rearranged in
the priority world. Your nuclear
family becomes priority #1 and nothing comes in the way of that. Nothing. Enter….more tough boundaries with those we love the
most!!!!!!!
Boundary 1: Family Foe’s and “Frenemies”
Ryan and I make an awesome team. It sounds cheesy but I assure you that it has helped in some
truly dark times. We make sure we
are on the same page for most things or at least acknowledge agreeing to
disagree. In all matters of the
kids and family though, we do what is best for their safety and wellness at all
times. This is especially true
with protecting them from certain individuals we know are not good influences
or could be potentially toxic.
Many people highly disagree with our decisions with this and can not
understand why we have set these boundaries, but last time I checked…these were
are children and we really do know them and what is best for them for now. That is one thing Ryan and I are
most similar in…our principles and when it comes to being consistent with our
boundaries, we do not string people along or give them any way to reinterpret
our meaning. When we say no, we
mean it. It has led to some great
disappointment, unfair treatment and isolation, but to me, such sacrifice has
been necessary to prevent damage to Hallie and Hayes’ well-being.
Situation 2:
Emotional Empowerment
I have always
been a selfless giver of my emotions.
I typically wear my heart on my sleeve and very rarely hide how I am
feeling. (There is one major
exception to this.) Having
children has most certainly elevated my “emotional placement” where I have no
time to dilly dally with letting people know how I feel. The only thing different is maybe how I
unload, communicate or acknowledge how I am feeling to others because I need to
really practice being a good role model to my children. Even with my parents, I just let them
know when I get tired of them trying to tell me how I should do things or that
I am upset with them (sorry guys).
With Ryan I try to hold back the blubbering so I can effectively just
get to the point…if I expect more from him, I tell him. Letting it all be a slow boil leads to
dangerous safety hazards…emotionally that is. It has been healthy learning to rework my communicating of
emotions and I have found that I am disappointed a lot less by people’s actions
or inactions. I also have so many
repeat offenders in my life that I can pretty much anticipate their behaviors
and actions before the scenario plays out. Sad but true.
Situation 3: Disappointing
Dame
I wish I could be a better sister and friend. At times I wish that I could go back to
just being a wife and not a mom and focus on every,single.little.word. Ryan
says at dinner instead of listening while feeding Hayes, trying to eat myself
while playing food defense against Hallie as she catapults chopped chicken my
way. We are thankful for the “crazy
town” we have at the house and wouldn’t go back, just so we are clear!!!!! Time is a luxury and it is most
certainly not on my side to go and see my sister more, to run off and do more girl weekends with
friends and to nourish these important relationships in my life. Ryan gets me at my best and worst…and a
lot of in between and somehow manages to keep me around! Having kids and having outside
relationships has given me a lot of perspective when these important people’s
lives were in the same boat and they weren’t able to do the same with me. I totally get it now and am much more
empathetic.
Boundaries are necessary in all relationships. They require revisiting and
restructuring as the relationship can change, grow, or deteriorate. When you go to have children, that is a
true time to reflect on your current relationships you have and how they will
influence and impact your nuclear family.
If there is one thing I have learned though, communicate your reasoning
for having the boundaries in place and continue to reinforce this so there are
no misguided feelings or opportunities for people to find loopholes to
manipulate their way through.
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